My birthday… changed something in me. I know I tend to make big proclamations and claim revelations all the time, but this feels different. It’s like something finally woke up inside me and said, “You’re an adult. This is your life.” (If I weren’t a privileged suburban brat, I probably would have realized that years ago.)
And I am tired of my life being… this.
I’ve spent the last few months, really since my attempts at drafting last September collapsed, wondering if I even wanted to be a writer. This feeling was deeper and stronger than any doubts I’d had before; instead of doubts about specific ideas and projects, this was doubt about my own desire, something that had always guided me without wavering.
I gave up. I applied to grad school (the horror!). I began to plan a life without writing.
Maybe that life would have been happy. It certainly would have been more stable and predictable and less frightening.
But with my birthday came a renewed sense of purpose. I was born for this; my bones are paper and my blood is ink. I’m not saying this because I think I’m so great, because I’m not—I’m pretty sure I’ll end up a total hack. But I will be a writer.
I’ll still have doubts about projects, and I’ll still struggle to write. And the writing itself is no guarantee of actual publication and success. There’s still such a long way to go.
As part of my renewed purpose, I’m going to chart that long journey here with attempts at daily posts. Smaller entries, most likely, and more random, more personal. I’ve always said my dream for this blog is a chronicle of my work from the very beginning, a detailed look at the process like I would love to see from my writing idols. I’ll probably keep the exact particulars of my work to myself, but I’ll try and explore what actually writing and FINISHING things looks like. Or rather, what learning to do those things looks like, because I’ve never met a goal I couldn’t abandon.
Whether you’re with me or not, I’m doing this. I’m an adult, and this is my life. I’m done apologizing for it, lying about it, and doubting it. I’m done compromising it. This is it.
At least, for today. 🙂