On a similar theme from last week, but actually written over five years ago, this poem is what I think “real” wedding vows should be. It’s probably a view of marriage influenced a bit too much by sitcoms and the divorce rate, but I’ve always thought that the way romance is portrayed in most media doesn’t really prepare people for the reality of it. Although, looking at this poem, maybe if wedding vows were like this no one would ever say, “I do.” And, obviously, I have no personal experience here, and I do know that marriage is a lot more than this (and it falls into some troubling gender stereotypes that I have since learned to question).

It’s just kind of a weird little poem I had sitting around. So here you go.

Real Wedding Vows by J. Sevick

When I’m fat and lumpy,

With thinning gray hair

And no makeup,

And my face is red and puffy from crying,

And we haven’t had sex in months,

And I just insulted your manhood,

Will you still love me then?

 

When the babies are crying,

And I am screaming,

And my breasts sag,

And my thighs jiggle,

And I make you sleep on the couch

So I can stretch out over the bed,

Will you still love me then?

 

When the kids are gone,

And the house is empty,

And we fight over the TV,

And we fight over the bills,

And we fight over sex,

And we fight over the past,

And we say we hate each other,

Will you still love me then?

 

Because when you’re fat,

And when you’re bald,

And when your ears are hairy

And your nose is too,

And when your belly sags,

And when you tape football

Over my favorite shows –

I will still love you then.

 

When you watch the kids

And give them sugar,

And when you stay out late

And forget to call,

And when you forget my birthday,

And when you watch me clean

And just keep watching TV,

And when you side with your mother

Over me –

I will still love you then.

 

When the kids are gone,

And the house is empty,

And we fight over the TV,

And we fight over the bills,

And we fight over sex,

And we fight over the past,

And we say we hate each other –

I will still love you then.

 

And when we’re old and gray,

And holding wrinkled hands

While sitting in wicker rocking chairs

On the front porch,

And going to visit grandkids

With money in our pockets,

And watching our children become parents,

And facing the end of days

Together –

I will still love you then.

I will love you forever.