I just finished my first full read-through of my project.

And, surprising no one, my feelings are complicated. Part of me was disappointed that it hadn’t magically become perfect, that it did have serious flaws, and that at least the first portion will probably need pretty extensive rewrites. But part of me is also incredibly proud of what is good, of parts that, to me at least, are pretty freaking awesome and somehow came out of my brain.

So I’m a bit jumbled. There is a part of me that wants to throw it in a desk drawer to marinate for another decade as a “first novel” that never gets published. For the most part, that part of me is feeling like it needs to write another book, a “better” book, as some sort of insurance or defense mechanism. Like, “see, I can do other stuff, too.” Even though I’m not sure that I actually can write anything else…

But there’s also a part of me that wants this story to be shared. Not for any career reasons, but just out of the simple and pure joy of having someone else read your words. And possibly hate them, sure, but that’s okay. They’re still being shared.

I’m still intimidated by revision enough that I’m not sure quite where to begin. And my read-through didn’t really change any of that intimidation one way or the other—it didn’t make it worse, which is good, but it didn’t make it too much better like I hoped it might.

But I… wrote a book. And no matter what happens next, that’s still amazing to me. 🙂